When my oldest child graduated from college he had a job offer but the job had not started. It made sense for him to come back home to live temporarily while he enjoyed summer and waited for his start date.  Besides, the activities, celebrations and festivities surrounding graduation and campus move-out were so chaotic and hectic that we did not take the time to discuss any plans related to living arrangements.

Months later that job never materialized and I was left with an unemployed adult with a college degree and an “endless summer” mindset living in my house.  How I wish I could turn the clock back and start over.  I made every mistake in the book when I let my son and all of the stuff he accumulated from four years of college move back into my house.   I wish I had known and followed the common sense rules I am about to share.  

#1 – Demand, as a condition of moving back home, that your adult child declutter and discard all unnecessary items within the first three weeks of moving in.  

When my son moved back home he brought 3 car loads of stuff with him and we had no plan for what to do with all of it.  Honestly, some of it should have been thrown in the campus dumpster. But the move-out logistics were not planned well and we were scrambling to vacate and turn in the apartment key right before the deadline.

So we stumbled home and haphazardly stuffed his belongings in his bedroom, the basement and in any other spare corner we could find.  As time went on, my son got comfortable with the chaos and I got more and more irritated.  That all could have been prevented if he had decluttered or at the very least, moved out long before the deadline so we would have had time and space to think and plan.

#2 – Discuss your household cleaning expectations and put them in writing so there is no misunderstanding. 

My son’s bedroom door is directly across from the door of the master bedroom so he has always kept his door shut and I honored his privacy.  Plus, since I had visited him several times in college and his room was fairly tidy, I assumed he would keep his bedroom at home fairly tidy.  I was in for a rude awakening. When I went into his room in search of a book for his younger sister, I was unprepared for the unadulterated disaster I encountered. 

What followed was weeks of continuous nagging as I could not fathom how he could live in that level of chaos.  He tried to convince me that his room should not be my concern, but I was not having that.  I eventually told him  “MY HOUSE, MY RULES!” and a little while later we embarked on a full-scale gut and declutter of his room so that it looked like a sane person lived there.  

Had I set the proper expectations before he returned home, that whole situation could have been avoided. 

#3 –  Establish which household chores will be the responsibility your adult child up front and give yourself margin for that list to grow. 

I will admit that I have been rather lucky in this regard.  My son does his chores without a reminder and he never balked at the addition of new chores or requests to run errands.  But that certainly did not have to be the case.  I have two more kids. I’ll know better if this ever happens again.

#4 – Set a curfew or establish a procedure by which he lets you know his whereabouts after a certain hour.

My son lived on his own all four years of college and he was used to coming and going as he pleased without ever checking in with anyone.  Unfortunately, he acts as if he still lives on his own. I know he is a good guy though. He graduated from college with Honors, was very active in campus ministries and is a responsible young man.  I even know his five best friends with whom he spends the majority of his free time. Our families attend church together and we met them when my son was a toddler. 

But even so,  I wish I had set a curfew or at least established a protocol early on for requiring him to let me know if he planned to be out of the house after a certain hour.  After months of reminding him to check in, I finally gave up and installed Find My Friends on his phone. That works even better.  

#5 – Establish a firm timeline with deadlines and a backup plan for gainful employment or for the continuation of educational pursuits.  

We fell short here.  When I first suspected that there seemed to be an unreasonably long delay in onboarding for my son’s new job, I could not convince him to start looking for a Plan B.  And by the time he was convinced, he had let other opportunities pass him by.  That was a mistake. 

#6 – Agree upon the amount of rent that your adult child should pay you every month if employed and put it in writing.  

We completely dropped the ball on this one because my husband and I did not see eye-to-eye on that issue.  We “talked” about it for weeks until I finally gave up and let my husband have it his way.  I figured I had bigger fish to fry, so I let that one go.  Not ideal, I know.  But it is what it is.  

If your adult child ever find the need to return home, I hope my mistakes will show you what NOT to do so that you can get it right.   Good luck!