I used to weigh 140lbs.

I am a 5’8” black woman with broad shoulders and a wide frame yet somehow, when I was in my 20’s, weighed 140lbs and could fit into a size 6, I didn’t think I was thin enough.  WTH?  

When I look at pictures of my young self I am astonished at how thin I actually was.  Yet I sincerely believed I needed to lose weight.  I am not alone.  Many of my friends say the same thing.  We can’t believe we had such a warped sense of self.  Perhaps our views reflected society’s beauty standards in the 1980’s and early 1990’s.  But we were definitely foolish for trying to keep up with those Joneses and for not appreciating what we had.  Why was having a “thigh gap” so essential anyway?  Ridiculous.  

I am so glad to be done with that part of life.  After getting married and having three babies,  my body expanded generously.  However,  I was fine with the few extra pounds of baby weight that never left my midsection or my decidedly gap-free thighs throughout my 30’s and 40’s.  

I was fine with the extra weight until I hit menopause and inexplicably, uncontrollably and rapidly gained another 30 pounds.  My eating habits did not change substantially.  I certainly was not dining on macaroni & cheese and pound cake everyday.  Sure, my life was busy and I was perpetually distracted. But what mother of three isn’t busy and distracted?

Distracted or not, I did notice the weight gain.  I weigh myself almost daily so I watched in disbelief as the scale marched undeterred toward numbers I had previously seen only when I was pregnant.  I migrated to the “fat” side of my closet and eventually had to buy bigger clothes just so that I would have something to wear everyday.  It was as if my body had a mind of its own and none of my former “diet tricks” could stop my fat cells from proliferating.  I was heading toward menopause so all previous bets were off. 

My weight gain also triggered an additional thought in my brain though.

Being a menopausal woman in a culture that worships young women wrecks havoc on your psyche.  Older women are invisible in our society.   There’s no sense in denying or trying to refute that fact.  It’s terrible, it’s sexist, it’s unfair.  But it is what it is.  After 55, you are officially an older woman.  You may try to bump that number up to 60, but honestly, at that point you are just splitting hairs.  Nothing feels more invisible in America than being an old, fat, black woman.  But that’s another story for another day.  

In the past, my desire to be thin was based entirely on vanity.  I wanted to be thin so that I could get a boyfriend, and then find a husband, and then keep a husband.  Of course, the husbands of thin women leave them everyday of the week. so that thinking was clearly flawed. 

In truth, I also liked the small ego boost that came from noticing being noticed by handsome strangers on the way to work.  I recognize now that the ego boost was simply a byproduct of the comforting reassurance that I was not yet invisible.  I need to get over it as soon as possible though because the longer I live, the closer my cloak of invisibility gets.

At any rate, as my weight climbed unchecked by my normal weight-loss efforts, I decided to see my doctor for a checkup, bloodwork, an explanation for the weight gain and the magic pill that would halt it.

The only thing my doctor found was that my A1C level was in the Pre-diabetic range.  What?!? My doctor told me that I was on the road to getting Type 2 Diabetes and warned that having Type 2 Diabetes increased my risk of developing heart disease, kidney disease, and eye disease.  She said I needed to lose weight to try to reverse the path I was on. 

Talk about a wake up call.  That was a wake up scream.   As my father used to say, it was time for me to stop “shucking and jiving” for real!

It took me another 18 months to figure out what worked best for my body and lifestyle (decreased grains, increased protein and vegetables along with 14:10 Intermittent Fasting) and I was able to drop those pounds and get my A1C level back into the excellent range.  

I still have a few extra pounds on my body, but they aren’t impacting my health so I am not going to angst over them.  Health is my new goal, not a size 6.  I have made peace with my menopausal body. I refuse to waste the second half of my adult life chasing after “perfection” while being unappreciative of what I already have.  I am leaving that type of thinking in the past and will instead focus on being grateful for the present and protecting my health so that I can enjoy my future.