My son, came back home to live right after he graduated from college and I did everything wrong.  So in this article I will share my mistakes so that you can learn from them in case you find yourself in a similar situation.  

Mistake Number 1 

The first overall, overarching mistake I made was that my husband and I were not on the same page when our son moved back home.  We did not have any discussion about anything concerning the fact that our son would be moving back home after college.  We had no in-depth conversations about any of the details.

The only detail I thought of was that our son should pay rent when he started his job that was due to start in September. 

I thought him paying rent was a given.  I just had not figured out the amount.  Additionally, I had planned to keep whatever rent he paid in a separate bank account and would give it back to him when he was ready to buy his own house.  

My husband disagreed with the idea of charging him rent when he started working, even though I planned to put that money aside and eventually give it all back.  

I could not believe my husband disagreed with the principle of a grown man paying money to live somewhere.  But we did not even think to talk about it until months after our son moved back home. Therefore, we had no time to get on the same page.  So mistake number one was not talking about rent payment before our son moved back home.  

My advice is to the talk with your husband about what might happen if your kid moves back home after college no later than the beginning of junior year.  Try to get on the same page with your husband early so that you can present the plan for rental payment as a united front.  

But there are other fiscal responsibilities to discuss.  

When your kid went to college, he probably had a cell phone.  Actually, he probably had a cell phone in middle school.  Who pays for that now that he is out of college?  What about his car note, car insurance and car repairs?  Have you considered his clothes, food, and entertainment?  What about his health insurance and dental insurance?  You must decide how much should he contribute to the household.

But before that you must determine if he will have any money at all to contribute because he has to have a job before he can contribute anything.  

And that brings me to another one of my big mistakes that you should avoid. 

When my son graduated college with honors, he had a job that he was supposed to start in the fall. 

Frankly, it wasn’t with a company I would have gone with, but since I was completely uninvolved in his job search while he was away at school, I kept my mouth shut. 

After graduation, the summer came and he had a great time.  He had worked throughout college, had saved his money, had gotten money for graduation and was supposed to start work in September.  Everything was fine – so I thought.

The end of the summer came and I was expecting him to start work any moment.  Long story short, that job never materialized.  

Mistake number 2 

I did not involve myself in any of my son’s thoughts or plans and I did not insist on him creating a Plan B should something go wrong.  What was I thinking?  I stood by and allowed all of his eggs to be placed in a basket that I already had a bad feeling about.  

September came and went with no start date. By October it was clear that something had gone wrong and I now had an unemployed adult on my hands with no clear direction in life.  

I also had two other very busy, young children at home, so my hands were full.  

But I was not too worried.  My son’s degree was in the health care industry and since my husband also worked in the health care industry, I figured I would let him intervene and help my son with his job search. 

Mistake number 3. 

Here is what I learned. 

Tasking my extremely busy husband with overseeing our son’s job search was senseless. Also, just telling kid to “look for a job” simply does not cut it – at least not with my kid, at least not in that economy. And the economy has only gotten worse.  

Getting a job as a new college graduate with almost no experience is an extremely difficult thing to do.  

Sidebar – 

During that exact same time my father got sick with cancer and died and my mom was diagnosed with dementia.  Plus, I am an only child and my parents lived out of state.  So, having an unemployed adult son living at home turned out to be an amazing blessing because he was so incredibly helpful.  He filled in the gaps and took care of with his little sisters when I was away taking care of my parents. 

So during that time, a job search for my son was not a priority.  Only God could have planned that timing. I am so grateful that my son was around. 

But after my father died, my son needed to go back to focusing on his own life and that entailed looking for a job.  

If I had to do it again, I would make him go to the career counseling office at his college every day and make them help him get a job.  I might even go there myself so that I could see firsthand exactly what they had to offer and to make sure my son took full advantage of the tuition money we spent on his education.

I would also hold him more accountable with respect to the search.  I would make him create an electronic spreadsheet so that he could document the jobs he applied for AND so that I could monitor his progress. 

I know that sounds extreme.  But had I done that, my son would have been gainfully employed and in a career a lot faster. 

Mistake number 4 

We did not establish any curfews or any procedures around leaving home, telling us where he was going or when he was coming back. 

That was an issue because like most college students, my son was used to coming and going whenever and wherever he pleased.  

But like most moms, I was used to knowing the whereabouts of the people who lived under my roof.

Call me a crazy, but when he was living away at college, I never thought twice about where he went.  But when he moved back home, I would get worried if he was not back home at a decent hour.  

We should have defined our expectations ahead of time.  We didn’t.  

And it has been difficult to backpedal on this because he was not used to having to report his plans or whereabouts to anyone and we did not insist upon that when he first moved back home.  We reached an impasse. 

So the solution was to put a tracker on his phone. In fact, everyone in my immediate family share our locations with each other at all times.  

Now I will admit that I am lucky in two senses.  First, my son does not care if I know his whereabouts. 

And secondly, his best friends are the same group of friends he has known almost his whole life and our families all attend church together.  They are a wonderful group of wholesome, decent young adults. And many of them live at home with their parents too.  So when my son is out at night, he is usually just hanging out in one of their homes – especially now in this pandemic. 

But I know I am blessed and I could be in a very different spot.

Still, if I had to do it again, I would lay out the house rules about coming and going before he moved back home.  

Those were my first mistakes.  I will write about my next set of mistakes in my next post.