It was my son’s birthday and my entire family, including my 89-year-old mother, had gathered in the kitchen to celebrate the occasion and to enjoy his birthday cake.  I lit the candles and we all sang three full rounds of “Happy Birthday to You” including the “May God Bless You” stanza.  My son blew out the candles and quickly cut the first slice of cake.  I gave my mother the second slice.  As I placed the slice of cake in front her I encouraged her to eat and enjoy it.  She then said “shouldn’t we sing “Happy Birthday” first?”

According to her neurologist, my mother has vascular dementia.  The neurologist said vascular dementia mimics Alzheimer’s in terms of progression.  The way he said it sounded like  shorthand for “it’s downhill from here, so get ready.”  

I’m not ready. 

My mother has been living with us since my father’s sudden illness and death in 2016.  Before that my parents lived hundreds of miles away from me but I spoke to my mother everyday.  In 2015, prior to my father’s illness, he implied in a private phone conversation with me, that he needed to” be patient” with my mother.  When I pressed him to tell me what he was talking about, he would not say anything more.  She must have been showing signs of dementia back then.  The official diagnosis came in 2018.  

This road has not been easy and I know it won’t get any better.  But over the years I have discovered a few tips that have helped me stay sane and healthy while I care for my mom.  I am happy to share those tips with you.  

#1 – Get some help. 

You may be living in a state of physical, emotional and/or mental exhaustion.  If so, you need household help.  Toss whatever you can off your plate immediately.  That may be hard to do, particularly if you are still raising teens or if you have other full-time commitments.  But if your other family members can’t do anything to consistently lighten your load, you will have to pay for the help you need – no guilt, no judgement.  

For example, I am not a good cook.  But my family has grown accustomed to my boring chicken-salmon-chicken dinner rotation.  However, my mother needs more variety.  So every week I order six different, individually prepared meals for her from freshly.com.  I have used that company since 2018. The meals are packed with high-quality proteins, heart-healthy fats and nutrient-dense carbohydrates. Freshly meals never contain gluten, refined sugars or artificial additives. They are fresh, never frozen, are delivered to our door once per week, and take only 3 minutes to prepare in the microwave. But most importantly, my mother loves them.  That’s how mom’s dinner gets done in my house.  Feel free to give freshly.com a try below.

#2 – Take electronic pictures and recordings of anything important.

My mother’s brother died last month but my mother could not travel the 300 miles to attend the small graveside funeral.  So I took one of my daughters to the funeral with me and we made sure my mother was able  to watch the service live via FaceTime on my other daughter’s iphone.  

When we returned home, I gave my mother the funeral program, but she did not remember viewing the service.  Thankfully, I had also recorded the entire service on my iPad so she watched it multiple times that day.  I also sat with her as she carefully read the funeral program and watched her take it to her room.  

Later that day when I mentioned the funeral, she insisted that she had never seen the funeral program but really wanted to read it. My iPad saved the day again as I had taken several pictures of the whole program and a picture of her holding the program before I let her take it out of my sight.   

Things often disappear when my mother takes them to her room.  She stashes items in various dresser drawers and forgets she ever had them.  Therefore, I make copies (electronic or hard copy) of most documents before I give them to her.  I also bought a second set of her Bible Study books for me to keep so she always has the books she needs when class starts.  Yes, that adds to the clutter in my house, but it’s worth the reduced frustration.  

#3 – Keep notecards and markers in every room.

My mother’s short-term memory is about 50 seconds long.  During most conversations, she repeats the same question I just answered multiple times.  Typically I just repeat my previous answer.  She does not realize she has asked the same question 8 times, so I just breathe deeply, smile and answer it again.  

But I am human.  Sometimes I am short on time and/or patience and I need her to remember that answer for more than a minute.  So I always keep notecards and markers nearby and I write the information down and give her the cards.  She can then refer to the cards when she repeats the same question.  I also make a second set of cards and tape them to the TV cabinet in her room so that they are visible to her and she can’t misplace them should she have the same question again.  

#4 – Join a dementia support group

My family is going through a rough patch right now.  Many families are on the same road but I did not know any of them until I connected with the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America (www.alzfdn.org).  That organization and others like it can provide you with the support, services and education you will need to make it through this difficult season.  It is comforting to know you are not alone.  You are not alone.  Stay encouraged. Hang in there.